DETROIT, Mich. — Citing the hardship being felt by car manufacturers across the region, a group of local children has embarked on an ambitious fundraising campaign. Spearheaded by Ashley Nielsen, 6, of Clinton Township, the group of several dozen do-gooders plans to raise funds on behalf of the struggling automotive industry.

According to sources with knowledge of the campaign, including one teenager who babysits for several of the children regularly, the “Kids4Kars” fundraising drive consists of a disparate collection of small, localized initiatives in various neighborhoods within the Detroit metro, including selling individual Double Stuf Oreo cookies door to door; panhandling; picking coins off sidewalks and from the bottom of wishing fountains; collecting tolls at crosswalks; and pickpocketing.  

Several yard sales that were planned to relieve financial pressure from industry behemoths like Ford and General Motors were scrapped after an incident in which a plainclothes police officer drove up and attempted to give Nielsen a citation for “impersonating a real estate transaction.” Protestations that the yard itself was not actually for sale did little to quell the officer’s indignation, but when Nielsen’s brother, James, 8, gave the officer, 32, a 32-ounce cup of hard lemonade, all sins were forgotten.

Several of Nielsen’s associates, including Jacqueline Carson, 6, of Detroit, Bruce Gomai, 5, of Royal Oak, and Quentin Quentin, 6, of Detroit, alluded to a fair amount of parental involvement in this purportedly child-led campaign, with each child referencing parents or, in one case, “Great Uncle Al” as providing inspiration and assistance for the Kids4Kars campaign.

Gomai was most succinct, if somewhat defensive. “My mom had to come with me, otherwise I’m not allowed to talk to strangers.”

The amount of money the group is looking to collect for car manufacturers was not immediately apparent. Estimates given to this reporter on background belie belief and will not be printed lest we sully the editorial integrity of this vaunted publication.

At press time, Nielsen was unavailable to comment according to her teacher, who noted that she had just begun nap time.

For some of the youngsters, who bear the weight of the automotive industry on their shoulders, perhaps this is just the beginning. As Carson noted: “I just wish we had a better way to raise awareness for the cause. Maybe we should look into radio advertising.”