MIAMI — Stating that they were “shocked, but in a good way,” several veteran members of the Miami Marlins spoke to an undercover reporter posing as a clubhouse attendant about their club’s newfound ability to avoid reaching 100 losses because of the season’s delayed opening due to the coronavirus pandemic.

The start date of the 2020 campaign — one that will inevitably be the Marlins’ eleventh consecutive losing season — remains unconfirmed, but three separate members of the Marlins’ bullpen reported “widespread optimism” in the team’s clubhouse that the schedule would be abbreviated enough to make losing 100 games this year extremely unlikely.

“Nobody wants to look up in September and see the ‘L’s adding up, so we briefly considered improving our roster by making a push at some standout free agents. But we weren’t going to win any bidding war,” said Marlins CEO Derek Jeter. “I’m aware of some of the collateral damage the virus has had, but there’s no denying the boost it has given to our entire roster and, frankly, much of our fanbase.”

According to a league source who spoke while scouring the shelves of a suburban Kroger’s for toilet paper, the truncated season could potentially have as many as 110 games, which would mean that the Marlins would be all but guaranteed to avoid losing 100 games this year.

Marlins CEO Derek Jeter also noted the pandemic’s potential to wreak more havoc on baseball, and, potentially, to benefit the Marlins.

“Far be it from me to wish ill on anyone,” Jeter added, “but this has really given the Marlins’ season some new life.”